Nursing Ian tonight, I started thinking about another reason I am not sure I want to give up nursing: this is the last time I am going to do this.
I know this is a crazy reason to want to keep nursing. The fact that something will never happen again does not make it on its face worthwhile. Of course, there are a ton of good reasons to keep nursing: it is good for the babies; it is way cheaper than formula; it lets me eat an extra cookie a day; and I love the sweetness of having a baby in my lap, cuddling with me. I love when they reaching up to touch my shoulder blade or face. I even love when they break off nursing to smile and babble. When I am working at home I take breaks to nurse. It is time with Ian and Mira that I won't likely have when I stop nursing. I know myself well enough to know that once I stop nursing, I won't have those minutes alone with each baby on work days, even though I would like to think I would still stop during the day to play.
I know that I keep saying that breastfeeding is ending soon. Earlier, I needed to know that I could stop, that things would be alright for Ian and Mira whether or not I exclusively fed them my milk. Later I thought that one or both of them was rejecting the breast. Now I see my milk supply waning as the babies take strongly to solids. And pumping sucks. (not to mention reduces my productivity at the office) At six months, I thought I'd try to stick it out until 8 or 9 months. Now that I am at 8 months, this still seems like a reasonable goal, but I am not quite ready to give it up. Maybe I will be entirely sick of this in a month, we'll see. For now I am enjoying the warm babies while I have them snuggled up against me. (Even when those warm babies come with ice cube fingers. Brrr!)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
We Shall Not Pass This Way Again
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7 comments:
I think that knowing I was only once going down that road is why I nursed Mir until she was three. She liked it, it was down to comfort at night and in extremis, and it just seemed right.
I was convinced that I would nurse Violet until she decided to quit. I spent a bit too much time with the La Leche League and I had visions of us verbally discussing our nursing habits well into her fourth year. Of course, long about the 2 year mark I was weary of her lap gymnastics and fantasized about weaning. 6 months later Violet popped her last tooth and lost interest in nursing all by herself. I was relieved at first, but later I wished I had thought to photograph her last snack.
With both kids I needed to feel like I could stop if I wanted to. Just that thought kept me going. To 13 months with my daughter and my son is 16 months and still breastfeeding.
I still have wonderful dreams of nursing my children. It so weird because I had one (I swear) last night! My youngest is 10yrs and I nursed him till 14 months. It was mostly at night near the end because he was co-sleeping with us.
My favorite all time memory is when one would look up, smile, laugh, get really excited then go back to nursing. It's like a wave of intense happiness runs through their body and it just makes me smile to think about it. I miss babies!
I felt EXACTLY this way around Aiden's 8 month date, in fact had a conversation with my sister about how I decided not to give it up because I knew this was my last baby. And then a week later Aiden woke up and decided to self-wean cold turkey.
Strangely, I am not as sad about it as I thought it would be. Although I did spend a day or two feeling weepy.
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